How am I doing?

That is a good question that I hope to answer well.

The purpose of this post is just for me to genuinely write out how I feel. No sugarcoating nothing. Just my raw and honest thoughts and feelings about me.

I am doing better than okay but I'm not great.

There are two major things going on in my life that are draining me and causing my emotions to be all over the place. The main one is not working. Although I am having the time of my life enjoying most of my days at home, staying creative and socialising - I do miss the aspects of work. I miss the structure and having a reason to get up every day. Half the time I wake up, still feeling tired from the night before but nothing makes me want to go back to sleep. In fact, I just stay awake and start the day contemplating on what to do. It's weird because I lived for days out but I have no want to leave my house.

The financial side of not working is starting to take effect. I have been very lucky and blessed to know how to money manage, but saying that... how can I money manage when there isn't any money coming in? I'm adamant not to use my savings account (and I still haven't) and I don't want to go into my overdraft (which I also haven't done). Right now I'm stuck. Working occasional bar shifts is helpful but it's not doing a lot for me personally. Lucky enough I've scored a 3-week summer job which will pay well in less than a month's time. It's just hard knowing I have to wait that long to be financially secure again.

Right now, I'm going through a lot when it comes to my personal relationships with people. I'm trying to be more understanding but at times I feel like my voice isn't heard and I'm made out to be the bad girl. Sometimes I just feel the need to back down and be a yes girl, but I can't physically do that. I do wish I could, but it's not in me to not say how I feel. HOWEVER, I don't always say 100% I feel, I give like 80% in order to spare the other person feelings but that has to stop. In order for me to process and deal with the situation, just being honest with myself isn't cutting it anymore. I have to tell the truth.

Guys, what do I do?

Dealing with no money and stressful conversations is a lot for me. I don't want it to flare up my anxiety cause dealing with that all over again will just knock me to pieces. I try my hardest to not get emotional, but now I'm just so distant and zoning out all the time. I do prefer that to constantly crying but then it makes me feel like I have two sides to myself. The fun-loving Tomi that everyone knows and loves and then the Tomi that deals with a lot internally without figuring out what to do? Especially when no one knows about it. I wish it was easy dealing with this as it is writing about it.

So yeah, that's how I'm doing. 🆘

"To help yourself, you must be yourself. Be the best that you can be."

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