I don't like Anxiety.

Disclaimer: Before I devour into this topic, I just want to state that I haven't been medically diagnosed as having Anxiety. I get the motions and the feelings towards it when it comes to certain circumstances. I don't have medication for it or anything like that. I really want to make it clear that Anxiety is usually rare for me to experience but sometimes I'll have a big episode of it when placed in a situation that I am not comfortable with.

Firstly, I want to share what I personally think Anxiety is. Anxiety is when you get this overwhelming feeling where many things can go wrong. To me, it's when you're unsure of what the outcome will be when placed in a hard situation and somehow tests you mentally to see how you would react to it. It can also be an overflowing emotion of nervousness when it comes to situations that you're uncomfortable and unfamiliar with. I believe anxiety is the constant fear of not being what everyone else wants you to be and not being able to prove to others that you can be this and that. This then relays back into your mind & makes you believe that whatever you do won't be good enough for the judgement of others. I think that explains it quite well in my opinion. I don't know about you but what I've just said makes the word have so much meaning now.

Back to the blog!

The small, and I mean small, type of Anxiety I go through is really basic. When I mean basic, I mean that I easily get upset over small things that usually I could brush off or I get SUPER uncomfortable in situations. I have no idea why I'm letting my experiences out to the public to read, but I feel like this post needs to be written so I can remove this heavy burden from my life. The other day I got really anxious to be a photographer for an event that my friend put together. It was a small event and all I had to do was get portraits of people and capture action shots - simple. Now being a photographer, all this should come natural to me but I had no idea who was going to be there and what the people there would think of me. It sounds silly to other people reading who don't understand, but I do have a fear of being judged by anyone. I always think to myself "why is this person staring at me?" or "I wonder what are they thinking about the way I look or how does my personality come across to them?"

If any of my friends read this, I'm 100% sure that they're going to be confused and they should be. I never showed signs of this before as I am the SOCIAL one of the group. Now I know that this isn't making any sense, but I know how I am around certain people and certain situations. When I had training for work recently, I knew no one. I sat down on a table with a bunch of strangers & sat in silence while they all spoke to each other. I might be wrong calling all this anxiety but I feel like this is what it is. I get all shy, quiet and I don't say anything at first because I'm not sure how I'll come across to certain people. Afterwards, when I've actually settled in, I become that bubbly person that everyone knows and loves. Just typing this post makes me annoyed as it just seems that this is something so simple yet it has really effected my life. Before adapting to change, whenever I got upset I would just sit upstairs in silence and in the dark. I never wanted dinner and I would just go to bed early as I knew sleeping would just take me to the next day.

Reading this back, it all just seems like nonsense to me. The other day I got upset with someone and I just broke down. I let them know that it would be okay for them to not be my friend anymore. I apologised for being a burden and that it's fine for them to continue their life without me in it. What person says that to a friend? Of course the next day I regretted it all and took it all back. You see some days you can't control your emotions anymore. They overpower you and you have to just deal with wherever it will take you. I associate what happened with me the other day as 'Paranoia'. I am not saying that I have Paranoia. I just went through an intense cycle of letting one of my closest friends know that they don't need me anymore. I kept questioning why they stuck by my side for so long and I couldn't snap out of it. It's a dark place to be and by the help of various people you CAN get out of it.

*I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders after writing all of this*

I'm not perfect. I have my sad days, but I know how to deal with them. I know that I can easily jump from being on cloud 9 to feeling like I'm buried 10ft under. I don't mean that literally, but I'm assuming that this is a feeling as if you're buried under all your emotions. I hope that I don't get judged by this post. I know some family members read my blog and I don't want this to come across as a shock to them. I am fine. I promise you all that this is true. I haven't felt so good in such a long time and that's because of the people that I'm surrounded by! :)

A friend of mine wrote a blog post about anxiety & it really got me thinking. In fact, it ended up being such a good read, so hopefully it might become a good read to anyone who comes across this post.

➡️ Wanderlust: Anxiety ⬅️

"Worrying doesn't take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace."

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